Vilia Ciputra

Art • Photography • Emotions

Everything is a result of what I choose to do or not do. Nothing and no one could make me do things better (or worse), more than what I believe I can do.

If self love is about embracing what I deserve and feeling good about myself, then self respect is about


I was talking to a friend about a book that I currently read and about the childhood trauma part, when that realization came to me;

Something 'bad' that happened, cut us too deep, and left scars within us, is not a trauma. It was just another less favourable events of life.

What then turns it into a traumatic experience was


“The only time you ever need a certainty from other people was when your self-worth at the lowest point. Otherwise, why would you even need a certainty?

Say, when we love someone,


“You are one of the calmest people with a very solitude and stable life that I have ever known in my whole life.

Not to mention the most honest, most considerate, and maybe one with the least foot prints and tiniest living prints in this world that I know (which I think what every human should at least try to be at some point in our lives; to leave less and less foot prints on earth and living prints in life).

I can even safely say that everything about you, is all I could ever wished from someone.

However, should being alone is


Freedom is never cheap, but almost anything in this life that we want (and we could only imagine for now), has a price that we could pay to have it.

And the real question is never “How much?”. Instead, it is almost always; “Am I willing to pay for it?”


There was a time when I wished to be understood and to be accepted the way I was.

Little did I know, I wasn't at peace with myself at that time. I felt lost, depressed, and I haven't understood the grief that I had, yet.

I put myself on their mercy, that I need someone to make me feel at peace with whoever I was and wasn't. That I need to feel belong and complete.

It took few years for me to


A good artwork will not only capture one's soul, but will also reflects her/his values, thoughts, and the way she/he projects oneself and the world. It should enhance the whole existence and experience of the owner at that very moment, so that it could be a memento of the journey till the very end of time.

It's like, when you have a piece of jewelry, and you see it again after few years,


Love, undoubtedly, is one of the easiest feeling to describe or show. It is celebrated anywhere, anyhow, and anyway we could. Everything pink, red, heart will instantly be described as love. Almost similar to happiness that is described oftenly with pop bright and colorful colors.

But, how about the feeling of longingness? Should it has a color, what color would it be? Is it the color of the dark evening, right after the sunset? With the purple and blueish color? Or was it a deeper green than an emerald, but lighter than a moss?


I remember the morning after my first miscarriage. It was a bright morning after my longest and darkest night. It was warm and sunny, after such a cold and shivering night of mine. Yet, I didn't know what I feel. I couldn't describe it, too.

It's like I lost a ghost that never even exist to anyone but me, and no one could understand why did I mourn for a ghost. Everything was the same and would just be the same as before, yet I never could be the way who I was before.

I simply didn't know what I feel, how I should feel, or was it a feeling at all or was it just a passing memory?


Unlike stress that usually built when we don't understand how to deal with something, fears mostly raised when we feel that there will be certain discomfort (that caused by challenges or changes) that we have to face.

With stress,


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