I remember the morning after my first miscarriage. It was a bright morning after my longest and darkest night. It was warm and sunny, after such a cold and shivering night of mine. Yet, I didn't know what I feel. I couldn't describe it, too.
It's like I lost a ghost that never even exist to anyone but me, and no one could understand why did I mourn for a ghost. Everything was the same and would just be the same as before, yet I never could be the way who I was before.
I simply didn't know what I feel, how I should feel, or was it a feeling at all or was it just a passing memory?
Now, I don't even try or intend to compare sadness and lost, and I did experienced losing a lot of people including some close friends and an ex boyfriend, but a miscarriage to me is very different than the others.
Maybe because I lost her at 5 months. She was not a fetus anymore. She had already developed all the things she needed to be a small human. Her tiny fingers and toes, her clean skin, her nose, even her face was a resemblance of his dad, when I saw her the first and the last time.
The thing is, when I miscarriaged at 5 months, it wasn't just a battle of sadness and radical bleeding. Just a moment after I knew the baby wasn't there anymore, I was prepared to deliver the body while I was still crying helplessly. Instead of comfort, I had to use any strength left to fight once more. I had not even stopped crying yet when the doctors shot the anesthesia to me in the operating room, and I couldn't even join to bury my baby because I was still too weak.
That day, I was not only losing a small soul that I love and a baby to me, but I also lost a part of me who will become a mother with it. I lost a big part of me, a big part of my faith towards myself, and a big part of who I was.
Of course time heals, and I learnt to write a new narrative for my life. I did learnt to laugh and to embrace everything about it, including the sadness and the grief. I do still have the grief with me, but I know now that grief is just a big love that has no where to go. A love that is persevere.
It doesn't make the experiences and memories any better, but it did give meanings to them, and I think that is important and beautiful, too.
I'm writing this here, now, to give a space to grieve and to share some strength, to some friends that are going through this hard times, and to other women who might be experiencing it now.
I remember how hard it was for me to went through it alone, not knowing how to explain or express it, and feeling so depressed and lonely, no matter how I tried to be a bit cheerful.
I also realized, that I've never really talk it out clearly about this topic, and that I might haven't really given my grief a proper place in my life. Well, aren't we all a bit hesitant to show our less positive emotions and or to be seen as vulnerable? I guess that's what I felt, too.
If you happened to experience miscarriage when you read this, or if you still have that huge grief within you, please always know that you are not alone, and whatever feeling that you have, is valid. Give yourself plenty of time, chances, credits, and faith for you have done your best within your strengths.
Remember, you are loved.
Note: I did learn a lot about myself during those times, something I might would never be able to do should I didn't experience the miscarriages. But we will talk about it on some other posts. For now, give some proper space and time for grief to heal.